I randomly came across [no pub intended] this photo of Clay Aiken that was just begging for me to edit it. I couldn’t resist, so I looked at numerous pictures of cock on ratemycock.com to find the perfect fit.
Does it enrage anyone else as much as it does me to even see his face? Ungh.
Even after this absolutely horrendous display of douchebaggery, I gave in & banged this dude. I really needed it though. And you know, his sex couldn’t have covered 1/20th of his ego. How unfortunate. He hadn’t had sex in 2 years, so as much as i’d love to be the nice chick & blame it on that, I can’t. We did it twice, and a rough estimate of the time frame for that twice was maybe 3 minute. He couldn’t do it a third.
Who’s going to be so arrogant when you haven’t screwed in 2 years? Furthermore, who would make someone agree to a set of thought out terms before partaking in sexual activities? Fuck buddies just happen, you don’t lay out a contract. What the hell? I’m still really bothered & offended by this. As more shit like this happens in my life, my self esteem drops a few points each time. I can’t even get a douchebag like this, much less a dude i wait 3 months to put out for & treats me right. ridiculous. I wish I had just waited for Matt, i’m an idiot.
Speaking of which, he’s coming home next month & he hasn’t replied to not one e-mail all month. I’ve sent one every day, & am truly feeling butt hurt. I really hope he doesn’t come home without seeing me. I don’t know whether to hate him or the military.
I went on a date with this dude, which i thought went reasonably well. We went to eat, went to check out my favorite little Irish pub. I was still hungover from the night before so the last thing i wanted to do was drink. At the Irish pub point of the evening, I still felt as if something might come of this date. We went bowling, went back to his house. Five minutes after we’re there his roommate comes home. It’s awkward, so he drags us to this bar with entirely too many people my age. I hate bars that are 21-24 year old sausagefests. I’d really rather date a 37 year old.
Anyway, strictly by him going to this bar that neither of us wanted to go to because his friend was a pussy & wanted us to make sure his ex wasn’t there, i immediately saw no future with this guy. We’re still on the date, you live with this guy. Tell him to grow some balls & go anyway, without us. So on the way home, because I don’t want a relationship with this dude I figure it’s okay to initiate some shit. I ask how he feels about blowjobs. He says, “They’re awesome.” I say, “How do you feel about blowjobs right now?” Then i don’t let him answer, & do my thing. I get home, kiss him. Whatever.
It took him a month to call me, which is ridiculous. So, I finally check myspace & i get this letter. I assumed by sucking a dude off on a first date it was obvious that i didn’t want to be your fucking girlfriend. I wanted to be mad or even sad, but i just laughed because it was so fucking predictable. First off, what a douchebag. Second off, i’m going to need a very large cock to agree to these terms. I was under the impression that in a “business deal” i would be getting paid. Is it prostitution if you’re friends AND you get paid? because i’d be okay with that.
Note the lack of spelling & syntax, and how often he uses my name in places to make it creepy as fuck.
Hey Calli!
I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. I know I have been kind of hit or miss as of late and I apologize for that. In the past two weeks I have worked 12 days, started school (3 nights a week up in Bradenton), and moved two more roomates into my house. I usualy dont even step foot in my house until 9:30 pm on monday, tuesday, and thursday which leaves me only wednsday and friday to do all of the things that I have to get done through out the week. I hope this kind of gives you an idea of what has been going on with me. I dont know if you were still interested in doing the fuck-buddy thing and I understand if you dont. To be honest with you I have been kind of hessitant about persueing it because i have been kind of fucked up as of late. I also didnt want you to think that was the only reason that i have been in contact with you. I think you are a kick ass chick Calli! I truely and honestly do. And I dont want things to seem akward when we chit chat. As it stands now, I’m fully up for providing you with orgasms( as long as our scheduals allow) on an as needed basis. I’m usualy availible on the weekends at some point and time. I know this is kind of blunt but thats just how I am. I feel its best to put everything out on the table, especialy in situations such as these due to the fact that feelings could seriously be hurt. And I don’t want that at all!!! In all my fuck-buddy buddy arangements, I make it perfectly clear in the begining that THIS IS A BUSINESS DEAL! I will not act on the arangement unless both parties can agree on a set of terms. Calli, My term are these:
1. Fuck-buddy only meens fuck-buddy/ no relationship other than friendship and fucking.
2. Either of the parties can call off the arangement at any time if they feel that they can no-longer be comfortable in said arangement.
The only reason that I am bringing this up is because I didnt want you to think that I didnt care. I fully want to return the favor and possibly experience some fun new sexual situations with you, but I wouldnt want to do it if you were uncertain where I stand on the subject or how I feel about it. I have had horrible experiences with fuck-buddy arangements in the past( they usualy turned out to be one-night- stands with a shit load of hurt feelings and resentment)and I dont want this to be one, if the deal is still on that is.And if it is…FUCK YOU! HAHAHAHA. Joking of coarse!!! If its not, I understand. Anyways let me know what you think and if you have any terms on your end.
Hasta!
TJ
P.S. If it’s still on, I want you to show me what you got this weekend!
So, I slept all day today because i stayed up all nice. ACE. So I didn’t call old high school fuck buddy at noon. The more I thought about it before I went to bed, the more I thought I probably shouldn’t. Granted he was drunk, that ‘I love you’ business makes me kinda uneasy. Strange, because I’ve wanted even a drunken ‘i love you’ since high school, but when he said it i wanted to say something rude like, “I have to take a monster shit”, just to get him off the phone as quickly as possible. If I call him specifically to fuck me what if there was something to that ‘i love you’? Then where does that lead me? Into another bullshit relationship that i get stuck in. At least I’d get pretty good cock on a regular basis, every day if i play my cards right.
As soon as I woke up, another dude from past that wants to bang me calls & asks if i want to hang out later. I don’t really have to think about the answer, but “Sure” comes out of my mouth, which is surprising to even me. So I guess I’m hanging out with him, unless i turn my phone off. Too bad I don’t want to fuck this guy, even the slightest bit which is saying a lot. He has a shitload of gay mannerisms that i just can’t see past & he wears shoes that click on tile floor, which bothers me immensely. I think he wants to date me too, because when we go to get gas, he asks me if i want anything & i say no. He surprises me with my favorite tea every time. Guys that just want to fuck you don’t do that. I appreciate it, but at the same time am slightly offended at him for thinking I’d want him for more than just good conversation & a possible blowjob.
I think I’ll just call original high school lay, if nothing else I could get some shots of crown & a BJ out of it & hopefully no proposal of a relationship.
I really try to avoid grocery stores as much as possible, however, there was no coffee this morning & landed me in the shithole known as Winn-DickMe. Seems I got there just in time to meet up with all the old fucks that drove directly from their Catholic mass mind-fuck for shit that one would never really need on a Sunday morning, unless you’re pushing 80. As I’m walking around the store in the pajamas that I put on specifically put on to go coffee shopping for the principle of disgusting the old bastards, I’m thinking that this is my worst nightmare. I couldn’t find the coffee, so i ask this [of course] old fuck working there who seemed to have been retarded or had some form of medical deformity where the coffee aisle was. He stares at me like I have just raped his mother with a corkscrew in his presence without saying anything. So, I repeat myself louder & he says in a complete retard voice, “ma’am, I think it’s in aisle four.” Which makes me feel like a complete moron because I’m asking a retard for help while I’m in the next aisle over. Whatever, I didn’t have time to bullshit. So, i grab the ONLY fuckin kind of coffee they have in the brand & huge can that my household requires.
As I walk to the register, I notice a gaggle of scene kids, which i’m assuming are still awake from the night before. Why the fuck else would anyone be up at 8AM & at Winn-Dixie on a Sunday as a teenager? So, as I’m walking to the one & only fucking checkout there is open, the “cool” tattooed dad figure covered in tattoos that apparently belongs to this gaggle of scene kids [SHOCKING!], is racing me to the checkout. I try to not make it obvious that this bitchass, his angel food cake, 300 other items & gaggle of scenesters can fuck themselves while i purchase my one item, by power walking the few remaining yards I’ve got to go. Success! So, the gaggle of scene kids & “cool” dad figure, that i’m assuming is buying weed munchies for these little twats, starts talking shit about me. I then realize that my life is almost exactly like a Zach Braff movie, because i’m simultaneously looking at the near-dead piece of shit in front of me that was buying a plunger & combat roach motels in disgust. I was completely unaware of the shit stench face i was making, and the old guy was staring at me, while these assfuck scenesters talked shit about me.
This could have easily been a 3 minute quest at Publix, but nooooooo. The old man finally gets to buy his roach motels & writes out the fuckin preamble on his credit card receipt, & still stands there while he shovels it in his wallet that could easily double as a filing cabinet. This took at least 5 minutes, which really sucked because I was trying to repeat my sister’s debit card PIN in my head throughout the entire trip, but completely forgot it while thinking about how everything in life irritates me entirely more than it should. So, finally my turn & i try sliding the card before the shit’s even rang up so i don’t forget the PIN that i’m pretty sure is wrong anyway. The checkout cunt with an thick annoying accent from maybe Alabama says rudely, “That didn’t go through, is it credit or debit?” In this moment, i don’t use logical thinking that if it has a PIN it’s debit because for whatever reason I’m panicking trying to get out of this fuckin store. I say, “I don’t fuckin know, does it even matter?” So, she starts being a complete cuntrag to me & raising her voice. It goes through after what seems like 10 minutes. Somehow being in a grocery store for no less than 15 minutes, i pissed off everyone except the little pizza face bag boy. For some reason, i find immense satisfaction in this.
Tonight is Saturday, technically Sunday & yet again completely uneventful. I sold my soul for Low Prices & went to Wal-Mart for coffee & got a bunch of bullshit I didn’t need, sans the coffee. Figures, that’s how Wal-Mart is supposed to work. Last night that dude from high school that I used to fuck called wanting me to hang out. He slurred, “I dunn wanna fuck or anythan, i jus wanna hang out witchoo, I’m too drunk ta fuck.” Of course, I swoon over this completely romantic confession & end the conversation quickly because my entire family happened to be sitting beside me. I got to thinking about the last time i got fucked & it’s been entirely too long, so I’ve been thinking about his cock all day. So, I showered today & shaved all necessary areas with calling him later tonight in mind. I called, he’s shitfaced again which means I’d be sore by the time he came, if he did at all, so i decided against going over there. Plus, with my refusal to drive anymore, his drunk ass had to come & get me anyway. I’d feel guilty if he died for the sake of my cleanly shaven vagina. I’m kinda disappointed though, pubes grow fast so by tomorrow I’ll be stubbly.
He had intentions to get off the phone at least 9 times during the 10 minute conversation, which went exactly like this every time:
Him: Alright, well call me tomorrow at about noon.
Me: kay.
Him: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Him: DO YOU REALLY?!
Me: Of course.
Him: Sweet! You know… I really do. [starts conversation about something else dumb]
I hope he remembers it tomorrow & I hope i’m still dying for some cock at noon, because man. I’d slit someone’s throat for it right now. Or you know what? Even a blowjob. If i could just suck his cock, i’d be equally as happy.
